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Martian Property Market Continues to Perform Above Expectations NEW YORK -- The bubble isn't about to burst just yet. Fears that strong growth in the Martian property market could be unsustainable appear to be unfounded, after real estate values on the red, waterless planet bounced back strongly in the last quarter Read More Republicans May Finally Have Suitably Charismatic, Conservative Candidate HOUSTON - Conservative Republicans despairing of finding a candidate charismatic enough to challenge for next year's presidential elections have been handed fresh hope by the announcement that staunch pro-gun, anti-abortion, anti-gay marriage Texas businessman Sammy Binne-Layden intends to run in 2008 Read More Super 26 Faces Shortage of Fierce, Noble Animals SYDNEY - The start of the Super 26 is still a year away, but the expanded Pacific Rim rugby competition is already experiencing difficulties. With most acceptably fierce, noble animals already used as mascots by existing franchises or other sports teams, new Super 26 oufits are facing a critical shortage of dashing and ferocious-sounding names. Read More Oh-Two Epidemic Devastating Communities AUCKLAND - New Zealand’s Oh-Two epidemic is worsening, with another weekend of carnage leaving 375 more users hospitalised, parents distraught, and police under siege. Read More spotlight With the government's announcement of another huge surplus, commentators predict that tax cuts will be on the agenda for next year's budget. But some sceptics suggest that Finance Minister Michael Cullen would rather do anything else with the money rather than cut tax. What are some of the rumours about other plans the Minister of Finance has for New Zealand's budget surplus? A hip-hop tour for all New Zealanders aged from18--25 Parliamentary staff planning to enter a team in the next America's Cup New Zealand saving up to buy Tasmania Government to go halves with the US on war in Iraq, in return for a free trade agreement Other members of Cabinet would like a Fund named after them, too When his instinct tells him the time is right, Dr Cullen going to put it all on black at roulette

Investors were reassured that concerns about Martian property market fundamentals had been overstated, as property values on the red, airless planet bounced back last month. Fresh hope has been handed to conservative Republicans following the announcement by charismatic Texas businessman Sammy Binne-Layden that he will run for president.       opinion Your input is highly important to me, going forward. by Ron Jenkins, CEO Read More Why are all the cute guys so shallow? by Amy Jacobson Read More

news in brief

Cullen Promises Special Treat for Well-Behaved New Zealanders

WELLINGTON - Finance Minister Dr Michael Cullen has promised a special treat in next year's Budget for New Zealanders who behave well and keep their rooms tidy. "See here, I'm putting another thruppence in this big jar", said Dr Cullen, speaking at a Beehive press conference yesterday. "Now, if you be good and play nicely, I'll put in another every month, and, if the economic climate permits, I'll buy you a special treat at next year's Budget. A bag of boiled sweets each, or maybe a coconut ice". In response to suggestions from members of the public that he just give them the money in the jar, the Finance Minister smiled kindly, patted voters on the head, and chuckled to himself that they'd just spend it all in the one shop.

Police to Quiz Suspect

PALMERSTON NORTH - Police say they will quiz a suspect in the Jones-Wilkins murder case this week, though they would not confirm whether this will be a general knowledge quiz or will involve a specialist topic. “Obviously, I can't reveal anything at this stage”, said Detective-Inspector Kevin Thurridge. “But I will say, I hope for the sake of the individual concerned that he's been brushing up thoroughly on British monarchs of the Tudor and Stuart periods”.

News Editors Thrilled by "Gategate" Scandal

WASHINGTON - US news headline writers couldn't believe their luck Tuesday, when three senior administration officials were indicted on charges of taking kickbacks from a company which won contracts to construct fortified electronic gates for military bases. "Will Gategate Help Shut Out Republicans in Midterms?", asked the Washington Post's front page, while the New York Times led with "Gategate Scandal May Mean Horse Has Bolted for GOP". However, the Wall Street Journal remained sceptical about the basis for the indictments, declaring: "Gategate Allegations Hang on Creaky Hinges".