by Amy Jacobson

Maybe it's genetic. Kate reckons they're biologically programmed to chase after anything with a pair of tits. They've got this, like, evolutionary urge to procreate, so they can't help themselves.

Or maybe it's me. Oh my god, I am such a loser. It's like, I'm Bridget Jones or something. I just can't believe Darren would cheat on me with that Rebecca bitch.

I don't know what he sees in that airhead floozy. Right, like he could see past her ass, anyway. Though I mean, actually she's probably pretty much on his intellectual level. He did always think that Margaret Atwood was the MP for Wellington Central. I guess I thought it was kind of sexy that he was such a doofus. The bastard.

So anyway, twenty tubs of icecream later, here I am, desperate and dateless once more.

What's worse is, I keep getting bugged by these total losers. Like, there was this one guy at Aaron's party last week who wouldn't stop hitting on me. He was, like, a friend of Erica's. Her brother's flatmate or something. I met him maybe once before, and suddenly he won't leave me alone.

Do I want to try some of his wine. Hey, he has the new Trinity Roots album too. Blah de blah. Do I want to go out on the balcony, and he'll show me Jupiter. Ahh, uh-uh - no thank you!

Turns out Erica told him I thought he was "kind of cute", and that he should "give it a go". Like that 's supposed to be funny! I texted her later, and I'm like, girl, you are so not in my good books!

No, don't go there. Do not even raise the subject. I don't even want to talk about what happened with Pete. It's a year and a half ago now. I'm so over it.

I mean, can you believe I fell for that shit all along? He keeps telling me he's going to break up with his girlfriend right away. But he can't do it just yet, because she's been going through a really bad patch, with her family or something. We just have to wait until she's a bit more stable.

So, along comes the long weekend in summer when we're supposed to take off together to stay at his uncle's bach on the Kapiti Coast. He turns up late at my flat on the Saturday morning, and straight away I know something's wrong.

He's standing there with this big dumb guilty expression on his face and I'm like: "So are we going?" He starts humming and hahing, until he eventually spits it out: "I'm sorry - something came up. I, ah, I have to go to an engagement party". I'm like, what engagement party? How could you not know you had an engagement party to go to?

Ok, so you probably guessed. It turned out to be his engagement party.

It's like I tell you. I am so Bridget Jones. Like, they'd probably have to get Renee Zellweger to put on weight to play me in the film of my life.

It gets worse. A couple of days later, I'm still in the "shall I get completely hammered or shall I throw myself off a bridge" phase, and I run into Steve. I've known Steve since second-year Psych. He's always been a good mate. Like, I can talk to him about anything. Kind of like one of my girlfriends, except he's a guy.

So anyway, we decide to go and have some tequilas and I get all teary and tell him the whole story. At first, he's really great - he buys me an expensive cocktail and agrees that Pete is a total scummy asshole who deserves to die. That I'm way better off without him and I could do much better. Which is all good.

But then he starts, you know, going overboard? Like, telling me I'm actually one of the coolest girls he's ever met. I'm beautiful and intelligent, and funny, and stuff. I'm ok, ok, thanks, I get the picture.

And then, he's like "Well, why don't you go out with someone like me?" and - oh my god, I can hardly tell this bit - he leans over and, like, tries to kiss me. Aaagh!

I mean, don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy and everything. And it's not like he's that ugly or anything. But he's, you know, he's Steve. He's supposed to be my mate. I just don't know how he can betray me like that!

Men. You just cannot trust them. Shallow, brainless, no commitment - I just cannot find a decent guy. At this rate I'll probably have to become a lesbian or something.