Republicans May Finally Have Suitably Charismatic, Conservative Candidate
August 2007
Fresh hope has been handed to conservative Republicans following the announcement by charismatic Texas businessman Sammy Binne-Layden that he will run for president.
HOUSTON - Conservative Republicans despairing of finding a suitable candidate to support in next year's presidential elections have been handed fresh hope by the announcement that staunch pro-gun, anti-abortion, anti-gay marriage Texas businessman Sammy Binne-Layden intends to run in 2008.
As the nomination race gets underway, right-wing voters have been disenchanted by the poorly-veiled social liberalism of Rudy Giuliani, anti-torture stance of John McCain, and flip-flopping of Mitt Romney. But with oil, armaments, and aviation mogul Binne-Layden throwing his stetson hat in the ring, conservatives at last feel they have someone they can back to take on the Democrats.
Binne-Layden ticks all the important 'moral values' boxes: he proposes a total ban on abortion, supports the death penalty, and vehemently opposes gay marriage. In fact, he argues that abortion and gay marriage should be punished by the death penalty, along with other transgressions including adultery, viewing pornography, drunkenness, and shaving.
And unlike some in the presidential race, Binne-Layden is unlikely to be caught out by any compromising incidents from his past. "Do your worst", he has challenged journalists. "Dig as far into my background as you like, and you'll find I've never taken drugs, drunken alcohol, or been unfaithful to any one of my nineteen wives".
Gun lobbyists such as the National Rifle Association are also pleased with Binne-Layden's candidacy. The Houston-based entrepreneur favours removal of all background checks and age limits on the purchase of handguns, automatic weapons, and explosives. A weapons enthusiast, he has been known to bring his AK-47 sub machine gun to political rallies, and sometimes fires off a few bursts while speaking.
Idaho NRA member Shaun Brewster shrugs off the Texas firebrand's preference for the Russian-made weapon. "He'll stand up to the traitors who want to disarm Americans and hand us over to the World Government", says Brewster. "Sammy sure is our boy".
But it's not just social conservatives and the gun lobby who are enamoured of Binne-Layden's no-nonsense approach. Small-government Republicans disgruntled by George W Bush's budget blowouts are impressed with his promise to slash taxes and devolve most government services to faith-based or tribal groups.
"OK, so I'm probably one of the people he would describe as an abomination against God " says gay New York futures trader Ida Kristol. "But hey, I've got to like his fiscal policy".
Binne-Layden is not lacking in charisma, and is already gaining a reputation as a straight talker to overshadow McCain. In an interview on a local TV station he answered the question, "how would you respond to a plan by Hilary Clinton to socialize medicine?" by quipping: "with a rocket-propelled grenade", a riposte that drew raucous cheers from the audience.
His one perceived weakness is his lack of political experience at the highest level. But supporters are suggesting that his lack of association with scandal-ridden party politics could actually be an advantage. They point to Binne-Layden's long history of anti-communist activism at the grassroots level in the 1970s and 1980s, and his record of organising philanthropy directed at religious, educational and military initiatives in the community.
Binne-Layden says he's decided to run for nomination because "the time is right" for him to step forward. "I have been, shall we say, in a cave, while I watched this country being taken over by atheists and abandoning its traditional values", he says. "But now, God willing, I plan to end all that sin and iniquity once and for all".
"If elected president, I will return the United States of America to what it once was"