Shock as Actor Doesn’t Think Much of New Zealand

January 2004

auckland - The nation was briefly plunged into depression yesterday morning when visiting actor Ben Affleck said he didn’t think much of New Zealand. However, spirits later lifted somewhat when he enjoyed our café culture and sampled some local cuisine.

Hollywood star Affleck, on a brief visit to promote his new romantic comedy Three Scatalogical Jokes and a Wedding, arrived in a grey and rainy Auckland at 6 am yesterday morning and was met by a large media contingent. He was sporting a stylish ‘tired’ look, decked out in sunglasses, rakish ‘three-day’ stubble and a leather jacket and jeans by undetermined designers.

It was a TV One journalist who stole a march by asking the question that was on everyone’s lips: “so, what do you think of New Zealand?”

“Not much” replied Affleck shortly, looking around at the interior of the airport and the wet tarmac outside.

In the stunned silence that followed, the whirring of the airport air conditioning system could be clearly heard. But there were soon cries of protest, as the gathered contingent pointed out the many outstanding achievements of our beautiful country, such as Lord of the Rings and winning the world netball championships.

“Does New Zealand have a cup of coffee?” asked Affleck. A Dominion Post journalist eagerly responded that it did indeed; in fact it now had a burgeoning café culture, a vibrant nightlife and a wide variety of fine dining opportunities. “Come to Wellington, the Creative Capital” she advised. Affleck enquired if that was nearby. But a New Zealand Herald reporter pointed out a café in the terminal food court and Affleck quickly disappeared in that direction.

Ten minutes later the media contingent were able to observe from a respectful distance as the Hollywood star devoured a bacon and egg muffin and an espresso from Bob’s Café in the food court. “Oh Jesus that’s good” Affleck could be heard to say to his unidentified female companion. “Oh man, that is so much better”.

After finishing his muffin, he appeared perplexed as he held his fingers gingerly in the air and looked around him. “Can I, like, get some napkins?” he asked. In the end he was forced to collect some more napkins himself from the café counter. “They never give you enough napkins in these places”, he was heard to comment.

On the evening television news, TV3 looked on the bright side of Affleck’s snub to Godzone. “At least he liked our food” commented newsreader John Campbell, grinning boyishly.

On TV One, however, the insult was not so easily assuaged. On Holmes, a frowning Holmes ran the story as the lead item. “So, Mr Affleck doesn’t think much of New Zealand, does he?” he said. “Well, maybe New Zealand doesn’t think much of him”.

“True, we didn’t win the World Cup. So maybe he has a point there. But really, what does he have to offer? A failed relationship and a couple of recent flops at the box office? While we can point to that, that, that fantastic spectacle, Lord of the Rings. Not to mention one of the fastest-growing economies in the OECD.”

Earlier that day Holmes had visited Auckland airport to report from the scene of the incident.

“So what did he, what was it that he, what in fact did he say to you?” Holmes asked Bob’s Café attendant Iana Fedatova.

“He say, give me a bacon egg muffin and espresso”, she replied.

“And how did you feel when this, this, this, world famous actor asked you for a muffin and a coffee?” Holmes persisted.

“It is six of the morning, I have to work, I feel like shit” said Fedatova. “You know, in Russia, I am obstetrician”

Asked to comment, Prime Minister Helen Clark said the napkin incident was “a concern” and that the Auckland café should have been better prepared to serve a famous actor. She reiterated the need for people to take a ‘New Zealand Incorporated’ approach to presenting ourselves to the world, so that we could attract trade and tourism and continue to grow the economy.

“Everyone knows Americans are fussy about their napkins”, she said. She had asked officials to “convey her regret” to Mr Affleck. However, in response to parliamentary questions she refused to say whether or not this constituted an apology.

Meanwhile, analysts suggest that New Zealand can expect similar reactions from overseas celebrities in the future. Auckland University Professor of Sociology Brian Atkins said this could even be seen in a positive light. “What we’re seeing here is an indication of our growing maturity as a nation", he said. "As we become more urbanised and cosompolitan, the things celebrities like about us will change, and we have to accept that. We’re so used to being told that we’re a beautiful country with friendly people. Which is fine - we do need to be reassured that we’re not just some backward pile of rock floating down in the Southern Ocean”.

“But as we’ve seen in the case of Mr Affleck, we now have other qualities on offer. We no longer have to wait until famous international visitors have glimpsed the majesty of the Remarkables or become enamoured of our gruff rustic charm. We now have an exciting Pacific Rim fusion cuisine, a dynamic café culture and we’re catching the Knowledge Wave. New Zealanders can feel ok about themselves".