Howard Dean Captures Osama bin Laden

November 16, 2005

new york - In a stunning act of heroic patriotism and personal vindication, former Democratic presidential hopeful Howard Dean captured terrorist leader Osama bin Laden near the Pakistan-Afghanistan border Tuesday.

Dean, who crashed out of the race for the 2004 Democratic Party nomination when party voters preferred more “electable” Vietnam war veteran John Kerry, was reportedly driven to track down and arrest bin Laden by a burning desire to regain the respect of his estranged wife and family.

Friends say that following the disappointing finale to the presidential candidacy race, in which his anti-Iraq war stance and strident demeanour saw him painted as too radical to front the Democractic platform, Dean became moody and withdrawn.

"Howard spent a lot of the time brooding" said a source close to the Dean family. "He was so preoccupied he he even missed attending his son's most crucial soccer game. [Dean's wife] Judith also began to question whether he was the standup all-American guy she thought she'd married. Some of those taunts about being a petulant pacificist had to hit home".

More than eighteen months after his electoral failure, Dean was often seen alone in the Democratic National Committee bar, staring into a beer. It is understood that he and his wife were considering a formal separation.

What happened next was the action of a man desperate to prove himself as an American, a husband, and a father.

Dean commandeered an F-16 from the Langley US Air Force base in Virginia and flew to Pakistan. Base vice commander Lieutentant-General Robert Brucker said Dean had not been authorised to take the fighter plane. "He had no previous experience of flying F-16s, did not request permission, but simply made off with a $70 million aircraft on a crazy solo mission" said Brucker, shaking his head. "What a guy".

After landing in northern Pakistan, Dean headed north into the mountains near the Afghanistan border. His experience stalking deer in the Vermont woods stood him in good stead as he trekked into the remote wilderness. Picking up tips from pro-American villagers, Dean quickly succeeded where previous US and Pakistani military and intelligence efforts had failed, and tracked down bin Laden in a remote Al-Qaeda camp hidden high in a mountain canyon.

Dean waited until the early hours of the dawn to sneak into the camp. Now reconciled to the need to pre-emptrively use lethal force, he slit the throat of a sentry and requisitioned his AK-47. Dean then deployed the unfamiliar Russian weapon in a running firefight, taking out sixteen more fanatical yet inaccurate-shooting Al-Qaeda fighters as he worked his way towards the central barracks.

It seemed that the former Vermont governor's courageous mission would be successful, but he hadn't counted on a further band of jihadi returning from an early morning patrol. Dean was surrounded, taken prisoner, and brought before Osama bin Laden.

"So, Howard Dean, we meet at last" chortled bin Laden, stroking his beard. "I always knew you were more of a threat than Bush...But now you will die. Though not until I have triumphantly described to you all the future terrorist plots I have planned, in sufficient detail that they will be foiled and I will be incriminated should you miraculously escape or be rescued".

When bin Laden had finished his diabolical confession, he gave the order of execution to one of his minions. A shot rang out--yet it was not Dean, but the terrorist gunman, who fell to the ground. Then, in a volley of fire, the other Al-Qaeda fighters were also gunned down.

It was Senator John Kerry and a squad of heavily-armed MoveOn.org vigilantes, who had appeared from over the ridge line just in time.

When Dean disappeared, Kerry had immediately suspected something was up. "I just knew Howard would try something crazy" he said later. "Then, when that F-16 was reported missing I put two and two together. I got backup and came as quick as I could".

However, though the Al-Qaeda resistance was ended bin Laden was unhurt, and in the confusion managed to escape. Dean pursued him along the hillside, determined that the terrorist kingpin would not elude the forces of justice yet again.

Kerry watched helpless as the two fought it out along a narrow ledge of rock Using underhand tactics, bin Laden twice threatened to send the former presidential hopeful toppling over the edge. But Dean, deploying his superior strength honed in regular punching bag sessions in the Democratic National Committee gym, beat the recalcitrant Arab to the ground with a series of well-aimed jabs and right hooks. He then scrambled to grab hold of a handgun that had conveniently fallen nearby and aimed it sqaurely at bin Laden.

"Don't do it Howard" shouted Kerry , as Dean stood poised over the cowering terrorist leader with the weapon cocked. "Control your anger! You'll just make yourself as bad as him".

Shaking with emotion, Dean brought the gun down in a swift arc towards bin Laden, only to flick on the safety catch at the last minute, catch the fugitive Saudi a glancing blow on the jaw, and slap a pair of Montpelier Police Department-issue handcuffs on his wrists.

"You have the right to remain silent" Dean told bin Laden. "Anything you say will be taken down and used against you in a court of international law".

The defeated terrorist supremo was led to a waiting helicopter, to be taken away and given due legal process at an American base in southern Afghanistan. "I would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for you meddling east coast liberals", he snarled.

President Bush announced a hero's reception for Dean and said there would be an official ticker-tape parade in Washington DC to celebrate his bravery. Bush issued a call to "put aside partisan differences and pay homage to a true American patriot".

But when he arrived back on an official flight at JFK International Airport, a romantically dishevelled-looking Dean had other things on his mind. With a superficial cut on his left cheek providing a rakish reminder of his ordeal, the former Vermont governor waved away reporters and photographers. "Sorry folks, can't talk, " he said. "There's a pretty important soccer game I've got to get to".